Saw this on a friends post and o do I find the truth in it:
“y’all gotta get OUT of the habit of telling people “Well that’s still your mom. That’s still your dad. That’s still your brother. That’s still your sister.” TOXIC IS TOXIC. Whether it’s family or NOT. You are allowed to walk away from people who CONSTANTLY hurt you. You are allowed to create boundaries. You are allowed to choose YOUR breaking point. Stop encouraging people to deal with toxicity and drama..”
A lot of you know I am the forever black sheep of the biological family of mine. Though I never asked to be born, I’ve been blamed for it my whole life.
It makes for a lonely hard road to tow. Throughout my life those closest to me and those who should have stood by my side through thick and thin. Just simply threw me out with the garbage.
I know that word all too well. That’s part of what gives me a.better understanding for those struggling. For those abondoned. For those depressed. For those longing to be wanted by someone, anyone. For those battling that ever empty feeling of loneliness.
I’ve talked about it many times. I’ve treated my heartache by keeping myself so busy that at night when it’s the worst, and the reality sets in. I just finally collapse from pure exhaustion.
Even through my formidable teen years i was also always longing for that elusive thing called a family. Although, a few reached out, and tried I have always been the third wheel, the odd ball out, the outsider. And that takes a hard toll on a person.
I am thankful for the one man in my life who has shown me unconditional love and support and for his family sharing him with me and many other. And though he has struggled and paid a high price for his love of all those who are societies outcasts and garbage. The refugees in their own communities and country. He has never given up on anyone that I have ever know of.
Thank you Harl.
I know that the likelyhood of ever finding a friend or companion in this taxing stressful life I live is next to nothing. But I pray for a team mate in the quest to do what I believe is right and provide a catalyst to change this disaster of a world we live in. Just to have someone to talk to, to bounce ideas and thoughts off of, to share these many experiences would be a tremendous achievement. Lord knows I have a never ending list of thoughts and ideas!
As for missing kids. All I can do is hope that one day when they are old enough they come looking for me to find out just who their dad was and how much he missed them. And maybe just maybe not believe all of the poison they have been fed about me.
So, as I sit here crying wishing that the heartache and mental pain I live with each and everyday would go. The deep longing for a connection, a human connection. For that feeling of being wanted for being just you. Not because of what you can do for them but just for you.
I ask you to not judge people. A child doesn’t ask to be born. I never asked for this life. Please show unconditional love to those who are hurting. And remember not all scars are visible.
I will never forget the hate, the hurt, the desire to be accepted.
Thank you for reading this farmers thoughts.
-Ethan The Farmer